Oral Fixations: Talk Foodie To Me

ATTENTION! Here is how to get into any food-lover’s pants:

Last semester I became acquainted with a fascinating fellow. On our first date it became apparent that we didn’t have much in common aside from a love of animals and culturally insensitive jokes. However, we soon struck common ground with a worship of good vegetarian food. This was a wonderful discovery, because quite frankly I don’t trust people who cannot appreciate a delicious meal. I have a theory that there’s a certain element lacking in their soul. That is to say, they cannot comprehend any sort of passionate, spontaneous indulgence. And that just won’t fly.

This boy, however, knew the power of a scrumptious meal. Our dates usually consisted of a few Louisiana beers with a bite to eat. Appetizers at New Orleans’ only vegan restaurant, tamarind and cilantro tofu Po Boys, or perhaps just Jack and Cokes in to-go cups from a gas station with a bag of gummy bears. Simple, easy pleasures. He understood what made me tick.

Like any good sorority girl, I invited him to a date party in early autumn. It was a burlesque-themed event, so the stage was easily set for a night of fun. A few martinis, loud music, and fellow scantily clad revelers had us feeling good. Conversation flowed as it does when you add vodka, and soon we found ourselves discussing phenomenal meals we had recently enjoyed. His employer had taken him out to dinner that week, and he wanted to tell me all about it.

And so he began, hot breath whispered into my ear about dinner at a well-known eatery in the French Quarter: “The appetizer was a wood-grilled eggplant roulade, with three different cheeses on baby arugula with a smoked tomato-butter sauce. My entrée was the vegetable plate of pickled cauliflower and green beans, Parmesean-chipotle grit cake, marinated grilled peppers in white balsamic, fried oyster mushrooms with rosemary aioli, roasted butternut squash with cinnamon honey, and roasted beets with horseradish vinaigrette. Plus flourless chocolate cake topped with raspberry coulis for dessert.”

He had his hand on my lower back, caressing up and down while he ornately describe the memorable feast. I had to wonder if he had purposefully memorized his full meal, even the garnishes, knowing that I would get a little thrill out of the description. Or perhaps he just had a strong attention to detail in general. In any case I was wildly impressed, a little bit surprised, and pretty turned on.

“Man, it was fire! Killer dinner.”

The thing with foodies is that we don’t necessarily flock to the most suave guy or girl in the room. Sex appeal is a fantastic and relatively important thing, but we also get a kick out of a certain kind of intellect. Most folks only want little nothings whispered in their ear about what their partner plans to do to their nether regions later that night. Foodies want to hear about a new Le Creuset pot, or a recently discovered spice combination, or an opinion on a new restaurant around the corner. Things about nether regions are nice, but attention to gustatory pleasures is better.

This goes for any interest group, really. Good looks and the right dance moves can only get you so far. If you’re looking to hook up and find even just a bit of meaning in the interaction, you must also know what stimulates your partner’s brain. Make sure to get inside their mind before you get inside their clothes. You feel me?

**Tips and Tricks**

Be fearless! If you’re going to talk foodie, have confidence in yourself to speak boldly about damn good food. Even if it’s fake confidence.

Take Notes. If you’re facing a tongue-tying trepidation, jot down a little script. Discover a few tasty topics, learn all about them, and launch into a somewhat prepared discussion.

One more time, with feeling. Remember: talking foodie is all in the delivery. No one wants a dry, monotone speech about last Tuesday’s steak. You must also focus your body language!

Lean in. Get close to your conversationalist’s ear. Engage your hands with his or her body. Beware of your intonation.

Personality. Be as goofy, serious, or seductive as you’d like.

Cherry on Top is SKC’s resident sex-food expert. Her favorite foods are chocolate, strawberries, and Indian food. She likes her men to be beautiful awkward weirdos, but isn’t too picky.

Originally posted on Thursday, March 1st, 2012

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