Table for Two: Five Foodie Pick Up Lines

You know, I get that you like The Office–I do too. It’s a funny show. But I swear to you, the next time I hear the words “that’s what she said” follow any vague mention of the color white or the texture known as “creamy,” even ironically, I will lose my shizzles, friends. So old. Got my head in my hands, people.

Instead of chocking it up to the proverbially “she,” take control of your life and engineer your own innuendos. Be the she. Suggestive culinary innuendos pull double duty by clearly expressing your interest in an individual while testing their level of culinary comprehension. You want your children to have the foodie gene, don’t you?

Well I’d like to help you out towards that goal. Here are a few intermediate home-chef level pick up lines to try out next time you’re on the prowl. If you’re feeling super sexy confident, go for bonus points by entering the make it or break it zone of “excessive detail.” LOL it or leave it. Most of these you would direct to a male partner, but if you have any female-applicable culinary innuendos slash pick up lines, please don’t hesitate to leave a comment. Put on a wink, a nudge and a condom (yes, you), and let’s do this thing!

 **Five Foodie Pick Up Lines**

Line: “I’d like to stir you continuously over low heat until you’re thick enough to coat the back of a wooden spoon.”
Reference: A step in many custard recipes (crème brûlée, puddings, ice cream), you must gently warm the milk, sugar and egg mixture to thicken it.
Implication: A process of growing increasingly warmer, thicker and more gooey (like in sex).
Bonus Points: “…but only after I’ve tempered your yolks as not to scramble them.”

Line: “I’d let you rise like a no-knead bread dough: all night long.”
Reference: Gluten can develop quickly in bread dough through the kneading process. Without kneading it, the dough must sit for an extended period of time to achieve the same result.
Implication: Body parts become elevated over an extended period of time (like in sex).
Bonus Points: “…or two nights in the fridge if that better fits your schedule.”

Line: “I will beat you into the stiffest, glossiest peaks this side of the Alps.”
Reference: Vigorously whipped eggs whites are the main ingredient in fluffy meringues, which originate in Switzerland,  site of some of the Alps. The raw, beaten whites must be whipped into stiff and glossy peaks to retain their highest volume.
Implication: Getting a little bit Fifty Shades of Grey on things, body parts are forcefully (but consensually) transformed into stiffer versions of their former selves (like in sex).
Bonus Points: “…stopping, of course, before you turn chunky and grainy wasting, like, five egg whites.” (Kind of like the ones pictured. Oops.)

Line: ”Imma scrape your seeds and simmer your pod.”
Reference: Another technique common to custard recipes and also t0p notch tea or hot chocolate. The tiny seeds of the vanilla bean are the main source of flavor in your final product, but simmering the pod (outer shell) with the rest of the ingredients gives an extra little boost. It is discarded before consumption.
Implication: You heard me, Imma scrape your seeds and simmer your pod (like in sex)!
Bonus Points: ”…eventually I’ll have to discard your pod, though. No offense.”

Line: “I’d like to pulse you until you resemble a coarse meal.”
Reference: When making pie or biscuit dough in a food processor, you must use the “pulse” function to combine flour and very cold butter until the butter splits into pea-sized bits. These small butter chunks are what keep the pie crust/biscuit flaky.
Implication: Some sources say varying speeds and stopping suddenly during activity can create excitement (like in sex).
Bonus Points: “…then flatten you into a disk, wrap you in plastic wrap and refrigerate you for at least one hour or overnight.”

Jen Cantin graduated from Clark University in 2011 with a degree in English and Journalism. She shares other (a)musings at Deep Fried Epiphany and dedicates this post to episode six of Stella, which yielded the line, “You remind me of fast food, cause I wanna take you out… and then eat you really fast in my car.”

Originally posted on Wednesday, July 18th, 2012

Leave a Reply