Geese fly south for the winter, but snuggle bunnies have nowhere to turn when climbing temperatures render their soft, fuzzy warmth useless, even burdensome. Under these conditions, acting upon the innate desire to snuggle causes excessive sweat secretion and extreme discomfort in both the snuggle bunny and her mate. As they languish in the oppressive heat, the year-round desire for pseudo-sexual physical contact persists without satisfactory outlet. It is with this concern for the species that I present summer alternatives that fulfill the role of fun, flirty physical closeness without heat-related side effects.
**Hot Weather Alternatives to Cuddling**
Hot abs contest. Which one of you has the hottest abs to be seen by the naked eye or to be inferred under a layer of adorable belly fat? Find out by lying flat on your backs and placing an ice cube on each of your bare stomachs. Whoever’s melts first wins and whoever squirms so that their ice cube falls off loses. Pretty harsh, huh? Allot prizes as you see fit, although the grand prize is the laughter that would result if a pet came to lick the water off your belly.
Pudding paint. This one comes adapted from the now-defunct but still-beloved family reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8. I’m sure you all remember Season 4 / Episode 11 in which infamous neat freak Kate finally allows her children to get messy and fingerpaint themselves with chocolate and vanilla pudding. Use this idea for your own PG-13 and beyond activities letting that cool pudding paint (recipe here) lower your body temperature ever so slightly.
Strip-ster poker. Hipsters typically dress two to three layers heavier than is logical and/or appropriate with flannels, skin-tight denim or unnecessary vests of some sort to the point where the weather starts mocking them along with the rest of us. Do hipsters sweat? Research is inconclusive, but this game is a verified reverse psychology dress-up-undress adventure. Tell comfort to suck it and pile on numerous unrelated clothing items and accessories for a strip poker marathon that makes you warmer, then cooler by comparison. Feel free to add some “role play” and consider hipster turn-ons, like unkempt beards and knobby knees.
Save water, shower together. Save a horse, ride a cowboy, you know, all that good stuff. Hopefully you can agree on a level of lukewarm in which to wash the sweat away and do whatever else you might think of doing behind that curtain. If you have any house rules on this sort of thing, please observe them. Also, many showers/tubs are smaller than they appear when it comes to containing two people, so don’t be too disappointed if your experience doesn’t quite match “as seen on TV.” But on a positive note, have fun! Don’t let the heat turn you cranky or else snuggle bunny will not want to return in the fall.
Jen Cantin graduated from Clark University in 2011 with a degree in English and Journalism. She is a Philly-based job seeker who shares other (a)musings at Deep Fried Epiphany and dedicates this post to Coogie and Yexis.